Dolly and Ruby, two elderly women, were discussing their grandchildren one day.
Dolly lamented, “Every year, without fail, I send each of my grandchildren a card along with a generous check inside. Yet, I never receive a word of thanks from them.”
Ruby chimed in, “I have a similar tradition. I also send my grandchildren a substantial check, but unlike you, I always hear back from them within a week. They even come to visit me personally.”
Impressed, Dolly inquired, “How is that possible?”
“It’s quite simple,”
Ruby replied with a smile. “I never sign the check.”
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THE MISSING WIFE
Husband: My wife hasn’t returned from her shopping trip yesterday!
OFFICER: Can you provide her approximate age?
Husband: She’s around 40, but we don’t celebrate birthdays.
OFFICER: How tall is she?
Husband: A little over five feet.
OFFICER: Do you know her weight?
Husband: Not exactly, she’s neither slim nor really fat.
OFFICER: What’s the color of her eyes?
Husband: I think they’re brown.
OFFICER: And her hair color?
Husband: It changes, maybe dark brown now.
OFFICER: What was she wearing when she left?
Husband: I’m not sure, it could have been pants, a skirt, or shorts.
OFFICER: Did she take a car?
Husband: No, she took my motorcycle.
OFFICER: Can you describe the motorcycle?
Husband: It’s a black Audi A8 with a supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine producing 333 horsepower, paired with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It features full LED headlights and unfortunately, there’s a very thin scratch on the front left door… … At this point, the husband became emotional.
OFFICER: Please calm down, we’ll do our best to locate your Car!
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Frank’s Injury
During a church service, the pastor invited anyone who wished to express gratitude for answered prayers to come forward.
Suzie stepped up to the lectern.
With a somber tone, she began, “I have some praise to share. Two months ago, my husband Frank endured a severe bicycle accident that resulted in the complete crushing of his sternum. The agony he suffered was unimaginable, and the doctors were uncertain if they could offer any help.”
A hushed gasp swept through the congregation, particularly from the men who winced at the thought of Frank’s ordeal.
“Frank couldn’t even embrace me or our children,” Suzie continued, her voice trembling. “Every movement brought him unbearable pain. But through fervent prayers and the skill of the surgeons, they managed to reconstruct Frank’s sternum, securing it with wires and metal staples.”
Once more, the men in the pews shifted uncomfortably, picturing the harrowing surgery.
“Now,” Suzie announced, her voice filled with gratitude, “thanks to the grace of the Lord, Frank has been discharged from the hospital, and the doctors assure us that given time, his sternum will fully heal.”
A collective sigh of relief swept through the congregation.
The pastor, rising cautiously, inquired if anyone else wished to share.
A man rose slowly from his seat and made his way to the podium. “I’m Frank,” he declared.
The entire assembly held its breath in anticipation.
With a slight smile, Frank addressed his wife, “I just want to clarify, dear, the word is sternum.”
When You Don’t Say Gay, But Gay People Keep On Existing, This Is What Happens.
Observing the checkout scene, I noticed an older woman accompanied by her young grandson, with two girls standing behind them. It was evident from their conversation and mannerisms that the girls were a couple.
Girl #1: “Oops! We forgot the butter!”
Girl #2: “Darn it! You’re right! Could you dash back and grab it? Love you loads!”
While one of them hurried back for the forgotten item, the little boy caught his grandmother’s attention.
Boy: “Grandma! That lady called the other lady ‘honey’! But I thought only dads called moms that!”
Grandma: “Well… maybe ‘Honey’ is actually her name.”
Upon the return of the girl with the butter, they resumed waiting, now holding hands.
Boy: “Grandma! That lady is holding hands with the other lady! I thought only dads held hands with moms?”
Grandma: Appealing to me “Could you speed things up, please?!”
I tried to hasten the process, but the grandmother’s cart was filled with many items, and my bagger could only work so quickly.
Boy: “Grandma! Why are they holding hands?”
Grandma: “Hey Boy! Focus on our own Business! Perhaps they’re just sisters!”
At this juncture, one of the girls said something endearing to the other, resulting in laughter and a quick peck on the lips.
Boy: “Grandma! I don’t kiss my sister like that!”
Struggling to contain my laughter, I responded.
Grandma: Addressing me “If you’d been quicker, none of this would’ve happened!” Turning to the girls “And you! Thanks to you, my grandson is filled with questions!
Now I have to shatter his innocence by explaining about all the sinners in the world! You brought this upon us!”
Girl #1: “Ma’am, if you think expressing love is sinful, then you’re the one doing harm.”
Me: “Your total is $221.54, ma’am.”
Grandma: To me “f**ck Finally!”
With that, she paid and stormed off with her perplexed grandson.
